INNER AND OUTER JOURNEYS TO THE AMAZON
Maria came into my life literally at 1 AM. I opened the door, and there she was travelling from the Amazon back to Europe, to visit her parents. She needed a place to stay in London, while commuting to Copenhagen. I'd never seen her before, one of my best friends, had introduced us to each other.
I looked at Maria, and took her to the kitchen to have a cup of tea. Then, we went to the Living room and I showed her some watercolour drawings of my project about alchemy. And we kept talking without stopping until late in the evening. We shared dreams and experiences, as if we'd know each other forever. Maria said good bye next day. And a few weeks later she sent me a video of the Amazon river, she'd taken from the plane back home, to the forest. "It looks like a snake" she told me. And our conversation never stops.
Both Maria and I, had been engaged in a deep journey towards the source, through different methods. Maria is living in the forest, I am embedded in a large urban city - London. She goes deep into the forest once in a while. I, through a process of self discovery involving breath, done at a Spiritual Centre in London, go deep into the centre of the earth. Our desire, is the same. To know ourselves, to dig the earth, the stuff, and to know, and live, from truth. This is our diary. Our words, our photographs, our drawings. Our exchanges, as we dig more and more, weaving together the visible and the invisible, in a process that never ends.
25TH DECEMBER 2018
Love sharing with you... Read when you feel like
I am fascinated over the world. To go through experiences that makes the words alive. Becoming part of it. Because It is felt.
I got my menstruation Christmas Eve. For Many years was my menstruation was not regular. "Have you ever bled on Earth" a friend once asked me. Yes I have. I welcome it. Kvindelighed. In danish. Woman-equal-called -heden. Moderligheden. In Danish this means that the woman is equal to the "hed ". Life can it be translated into. So far I am only mother of Perla. my dog. It gives me a lot.
I feel there is life in me, and how we women can give life, create life. I feel the ground. I feel like an open channel to it. It's not the universe. It's the essence. I feel it. Feel a lot . When we were talking, you asked if I was visually thinking. You used other words. How was it? You used the example of the banana, I could not see it for me. It was to quickly. But I could see the plant and taste it.
The last time things are happening. inside me. I am starting to dream about animals. Less contexts that is western. In my dreams. To wake up with Kiki the other day is a gift. My feelings to him, are many words and feelings worth. He laughed one day. When he took a nap. He dreamt about how he was out fishing and then came his father and took them. Or was it differently, Yes it was different but he was out fishing and it was fun. There are so many moments. His smile. White teeths. The smell of his perfume, which is not so good. His skin is fantatisk. Love his skin.
"I love you. I want to stay with you. I have thought of how I can build a pisigranja. And move the pineapples on a row."
Words from Kiki.
"I love you". When he is in my bed. He is new. New with women. Maybe. We are not talking so much together. In general. It's like word is redundant with him.
I made detours from him. Could not be with him all the time. In order to protect myself. He wanted to stay one day, he stayed three. Finally, I would like him to leave. He was going to. He was travelling. To his community. Last year we went together. It was amazing. I love him deeply but do not feel he is my partner.
It's past. I am closing a circle (let's see) also with him. Also Alessandro. It is felt. Hurts and is healthy. I make room for Klas. Maybe. In my life. I need to be able to also share words with a man.
He can so much. Kiki. I grow very much with him. We would not be happy together. But now we are happy. Living the full life. Like a dream. I do all that I can for him while he is here. I however hold myself back in terms of making love with him. which shows my love for him. The importance. Of him. And respect for myself. I have been very deep with him. In the emotions. To be there with him. Feel it, desire, dream it. To be with him. I can't go there again. It's not good for me.
"I am really glad". He has really enjoying it here with me. I felt he was emotionally when we was on his way. When he left. He came back, wanted to check his USB stick. Could not find it. It is then in my bag". His tesis is on it and all of his music. He looked me in my eyes. Hugged me. Kissed me.
We have had beautiful moments, forrest, swimming with friends, meditation. The last one without words.
I wanted to go with him to the boat. I did not. Because it is not good for me. I feel from core that we should not be together. I wanted to cry when he left . Such a sadness came to me. I Sat down. Would cry. Then I could still could not.
Then I became happy. And began to do my activities. It was a good experience.
I still live the experience with him.
Could not talk to Klas my German date for was full of Kiki. Nice with some days alone. Alone,together with other, as it turned out to be. Perfect. Christmas with my Spanish teacher and family.
I feel it. My phrase. It is part of me. "Don't expect to receive all you want from other people, turn to nature, feel how nature is supporting you how it gives you joy and awareness". It's my phrase. It is very true.
Have felt it before. That a person. A man must be able to be it all. Me too. Meet all parts and feelings and connections. In love life.
I feel a big love. I am so in love these days. Such a sense of falling in love. There are several people who love me, expresses it. I love many people. This makes That i can live and do what I do. Love. It can move.
I am in love. In life. I feel it even stronger because I am going to the Forest. The right one. True. The Shawi people.
I have been caught by Christmas. It has also made me in love. How the family gives me food, even gave me Christmas gift. Was overwhelmed. Two gifts.
Wanted to leave but there were several people who wanted to celebrate Christmas, so no boats.
I am doing a healing with a plant. I always feel it differently. it is in progress.
"Why may I not be together with men when I cure myself?". I asked Kiki. We went into the Woods Kiki and I. I felt indigenous, perfect, happy, complete. He had the machete I with the tools to visit the tree. We made it together. Found it and healed me. I Love the Amazon. And him
. Now I have diarrhea because I eat differently than what I usually do. I am learning.
To eat with others. Am surprised that people are not aware about what foods do to us. Perla also got food from Maria Christina, she threw up.
We are on the way. To the Forest. I can't do anything else. I have to go. I need it.. I have to. Cure me.
" Why can i not be with another person when I work with the plants.
"Because if you are together with another person, you will have another spirit in you. The mother of the plant will not have peace to work. And will disappear. The cure will have No effect".
Happy new year. I feel this year has been a great moving year for me.
I Enjoy you in my life.
Wish you a good ending of the year. I look forward with great joy and energy to what we going to create. Together and separately. Merry Christmas and happy day.